...on Japanese Horror

Saw Ju-Rei last night (Memento meets Ring, ripping off both) which now gives me enough data points to go into analysis mode.

Dealing with a Japanese Vengeful Spirit

Welcome to Japan. Enjoy our sweeping natural vistas, our friendly people and our blend of ancient tradition and modern culture. While visiting our country you may encounter a vengeful spirit. Should this happen please keep in mind that Japanese horror is quite different from Western horror. Understanding the following rules will help you fully appreciate the supernatural terror that will be visited upon you.

1) It's not your fault.

In Western horror you will not be killed unless you violate one of the rules of the genre. These include:
- Wandering off alone into a dark place.
- Scoffing at warnings of supernatural danger.
- Being a clueless, greedy authority figure.
- Having sex. (Note: This only applies to women.)
- Being black.

Japanese horror does not work that way. You will be killed no matter what you do. Maybe you entered the wrong house or saw the wrong videotape or answered the wrong phone call. You may never understand what you did to draw the curse upon yourself. Supernatural attacks are random and capricious.

Western horror is a test. If you demonstrate cleverness or moral purity you will pass the test and survive. Japanese horror is more like a natural disaster. It is immaterial what kind of person you are, if you are in the wrong place at the wrong time you will suffer a horrible death.

2) Nobody is safe.

Even if you violate the rules, you can still survive in Western horror as long as you are in a protected category. These include being a virginal woman, a child or a dog. This goes back to the "testing" nature of Western horror. Certain people, like children and virginal women, are considered Good and thus immune to the forces of Evil.

Japanese horror does not recognize this dichotomy. If you are targeted by a vengeful spirit, your moral resume will not save you. Children and virgins are considered fair game.

3) Your cell phone will not save you.

Cell phones have thrown Western supernatural monsters into a tizzy. Many of their best bits don't work when rescue is a phone call away. That is why Western horror often takes place in isolated locations like haunted houses, closed summer camps or ships at sea.

If you are being stalked by a Japanese vengeful spirit you may feel confident because you have a working cell phone. This is a mistaken belief. There is a recurring theme in Japanese pop culture that while technology is nifty, it can not be relied upon. If you attempt to use your cell phone during an attack it will not help you. Odds are the spirit will call you with messages like "Turn around." just before it eats you.

4) Do not attempt to band together against the threat.

In the West people under supernatural attack will band together to discuss the situation. They will share information, plot a plan of attack and then wander off into the darkness by themselves to get killed.

The Japanese people prefer to skip these steps and proceed directly to getting killed. It is considered shameful to tell others that you believe a ghost is stalking you. Under no circumstances should you contact authorities or experts of any kind. Please respect our customs while visiting.

5) Do not attempt to understand, escape, defend yourself from or destroy the spirit.

This is perhaps the most important rule. Japanese culture treats vengeful spirit attack with the same reverence due a natural disaster of epic proportions. Attempting to escape your fate will only make you look foolish and demonstrates a lack of respect for the natural order of things.

If strange things happen around you do not attempt to investigate them. You must act like everything is fine and lie about why your face is white with fear. When the final attack comes it is important to behave in an appropriate fashion. If you are male, you should stare in shock at the onrushing horror and wait for it to kill you. If you are female, you should hide under a blanket for a suitable length of time before peeking out and being killed.

6) It's right next to you.

Living space is at a premium in Japan and even the wealthiest Japanese citizens will have dwellings that are small by Western standards. This unfortunately does not allow the lengthy chase sequences so beloved by Western monsters. We apologize that you will be unable to run in heels and fall down a lot if you are attacked by a vengeful spirit.

Vengeful spirits will not allow you to escape before hunting you down. They will manifest within the room, making no noise until you notice their presence. At that point you will be killed.

We hope that these guidelines make your stay in Japan more enjoyable. While there are always exceptions, by keeping these rules in mind you will avoid embarrassing faux pas. Please enjoy your stay.

..on Ordering Pizza

"OK, we are kind of behind, so let's just order lunch. Pizza good?"
"Sure."
"What do you want?"
"Well I like Pizza Hut Supre...."
"YOU ARE HEREBY BANNED FROM ANY DISCUSSION INVOLVING PIZZA."

Not much of a quip. It would only be worth three seconds of laughter on a mediocre sitcom. Not very illuminating either since it was entirely instinctive. I'm East Coast and pizza is our religion.

What was illuminating is that this momentary jab was laughed over, analyzed and relived for most of the rest of the afternoon.

I need to find funnier coworkers.

...on Harry Potter And The Marginalized Community

"I got it yesterday after the wife finished it. I'm about 300 pages in."
"I had Amazon drop ship it to me with a guaranteed Saturday delivery."

IT of course is the latest Harry Potter book. Who had the book, when they got it and how much they read was a popular topic at lunch today. The actual merits of the book were not part of the conversation. This is something I've learned to expect. Our culture treats things, places and even people as checkboxes to be filled. It's not important what your experience was, just as long as you experienced it with the rest of your cohort.

"Read the first one. Saw a couple of films. It didn't grab me," I demurred when asked when I had acquired this latest fashion accessory.

"OH! But they are good!"

I heartily agreed with this. While they didn't do much for me I could tell Rowling had a lot going on.

Take the scene where Harry goes to buy his magical school supplies in the first book. We learn that magicians have their own currency. I forget what it is called or the complicated exchange rates between the various denominations. It doesn't really matter. Their currency is good only within their narrow community. They have no idea what a pound or a dollar or a euro is worth and they don't care. They live, work, buy, sell and trade only with their fellow magicians.

That makes them isolated, cut off from the rest of society. Rowling understood that.

Harry is an outsider. Through him we learn that wizards don't follow soccer, don't watch TV and don't know what common household items are for. They live in a magical ghetto. They are even proud of it, referring to outsiders as muggles and being obsessed with "blood purity".

It could be argued that this is a self-imposed exile. After all, what can the mundane world offer somebody who can blow up houses with a wave of a wand? This argument falls apart when Rowling reveals that the whole magical community lives under the jurisdiction of the UK's Ministry of Magical Affairs. This agency not only sets the ground rules, it has the power and authority to punish those who would transgress their most important law.

"Don't let regular people know about magic."

Now the pieces fall into place. The government, presumably for the protection of public order, has managed to isolate and contain an entire community of people. In a brilliant stroke the wizards think it is their own idea to remain hidden. This allows the powers that be to do whatever they want without wizardly interference or oversight.

Harry, being the only character who lives in both worlds, will probably overcome this separation. We know he has a destiny of some kind, both as the hero of his own series and from frequent mentions of prophecy. He'll have to overcome the prejudices of his own community and a government hit-team to do it, but that's what heroes are made of. After all, his parents were killed because they chose to live in a regular suburb instead of a magical castle. He has to follow in their footsteps. I'm not sure what the whole Voldemort deal was, but it wouldn't surprise me to find out he was an agent of the government taking out free thinkers like the Potters.

I could be wrong. My Potter knowledge is limited to one book, two movies and what I've picked up from evangelists. One would think that any errors I made would be corrected by people who went to extra lengths to get the latest book as soon as it was available.

"Dude, you think too much."

*sigh*

...on Neglecting To Write

Much to say, little enthusiasm to do so.

On Saturday I watched a murder take place before a cheering crowd. I'm not upset about the murder. I knew the dead guy was going off work soon and would be partying it up in no time.

I'm upset about the cheering. You see this took place at the local Renaissaince Fair. Cheering violence is to be expected, but not when it's the White Knight killing an unarmed and helpless Black Knight.

But just when I'm about to give up on this culture I notice that Karl Rove's name has entered common parlance. Maybe the U.S. is starting to shake free of the Shrub Cult?

Maybe, maybe not. As long as the White Knight is killing his fallen foes I know our culture needs serious work.

...on In Vino Veritas

It's true you know. "In wine, there is truth."

Not that the scheme to blow the fuck out of the rest of the Solar System until Earth reigns supreme is correct. Though that is a good plan and I endorse it. Or the Saturday Night Live sketch/sitcom "Life On A Comet" which ends every week with everything blowing up. Though I would watch that show.

By truth, I mean character.

On Tuesday I learned something I already knew. S. is a poet.

Tonight I learned something I didn't know. R. is an assclown.

Put two beers into someone and it's Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. Mainline Everclear into other people and they just become more of who they are.

I like to think I belong in the second category. At least that's what people tell me. That and "You should write." which I find quite painfull because they remind me I'm squandering a gift. Not a gift you will see here dear readers. There's no editing or polishing and I'm years out of practice. But a gift I had once and received much praise for until I chucked that life.

Where was I? Oh yes. London.

It seems obligatory to make a London mention on this tragic day. But that's all I will do. A mention. Not even a rant on how this wouldn't have happened if the Commander-In-Chimp hadn't held the reins of power.

Because this morning I watched the BBC. I saw the interviews on the street. And I was humbled.

"Oh, yes. Quite unpleasant. The fellows behind this deserve a sound thrashing. Still, London has seen much worse. Jerry tried to give us what for and we are still here. Pip, pip. Cheerio."

Except real people, saying real things. After stumbling out of dark smoke-filled holes in the earth, tunnels splattered with the blood of their fellow commuters. Never knowing if they would see the light of day or if their lives would be snuffed out because someone who turns into an asshole after two beers wanted to feel big.

Utterly calm, cool and collected. Utterly bad ass. Londoners put New Yorkers to shame.

We are all Berliners. But Londoners are a cut above the rest of us.

...on Some Things To Celebrate

Well, it looks like the Fourth Of July did have some pleasant surprises.

First of all, TAKE THAT SPACE! The Deep Impact probe went without a hitch, blowing a nice big crater into the side of comet Tempel 1. This is a huge achievement and everybody involved deserves a big pat on the back. The experiment will not only give us detailed information on what comets are made of, it also means we are developing the ability to defend ourselves if another dinosaur-killing asteroid comes our way.

Also, blowing things up in space is cool.

Secondly, it looks like this story is taking off. If you don't know what Valerie Plame is about I'll spell it out.

Back in 2003 somebody in the Bush White House outed an undercover CIA officer because they wanted to make her husband, a foe of the Iraq War, look bad. So far we don't know who that person is, because Bush hasn't done a damn thing to find the traitor. Now we may know why, because the scumbag in question could be Bush's Brain, Karl Rove.

When Lawrence O'Donnel first reported this on The McLaughlin Group I thought it was too good to be true. Then Rove's attorney issued one of the most weasel-worded pseudo-denials I've ever heard. The tap-dancing made Clinton's famous "is" parsing look straightforward.

Now the story is starting to spread. I guess even the corporate-owned media smells blood in the water. We'll see what happens here, but nothing would make me happier than seeing the person responsible for this in a perp walk. If it was Karl Rove doing the marching, that would just make it all the sweeter.

...on An Age Which Should Not Pass

My bartender is a Bircher.

That would be an adherent to the principles of the John Birch Society to those not in the know.

That did not stop him from pouring me a free shot, and that's what America is all about. That and air conditioning.

More barblogging tonight. But I was going to go off on an era that will soon close.

Excruciatingly precise point of sale terminals. RFID collars on liquor bottles. There will soon come a generation that will not know the free shot or after-hours drinking.

I pity the future. I used to envy it. Once it was the age of starships and immortality and a Culture style of living.

Not now. The future can only be Mad Max in these dark times. Blame your parents kids. This is what they wanted for you.

...on a Blast From The Past

WASHINGTON - The White House said Thursday it was investigating whether Iran's new president played a role in seizing the American Embassy and holding 52 U.S. captives a quarter century ago. President Bush said the allegation by former hostages "raises many questions."

-Associated Press, June 30.

Oh yes. Many questions indeed.

Like why did the Shrub help this guy get elected?

Here's another question. Is the CIA completely fucking worthless? Am I to believe that we didn't have some kind of file on the next president of Iran? That only NOW are we aware of his involvement in the Iranian Hostage Crisis?

It could be that we did know, and tried to sweep it under the table. Iran will be a nuclear power soon and we need to stay on their good side considering the ongoing debacle in Iraq. Best not to mention any past unpleasantness and make a fresh start of things.

But as logical as that sounds, I can't believe the current clowns running the country are that smart. These are the chuckleheads who think sending Bolton to the U.N. is a wise diplomatic move.

So, I'm left to believe that the United States government didn't know the basic history of the man who will be leading a member of the Axis Of Evil. Though I guess that's the Axis Of Evil Lite ("Now With A THIRD Less Evil!") since we invaded Iraq.

I wish somebody would try to launch another solar sail. I desperately need some news that doesn't make me want to shop for mountain cabins that will have a good view of civilization's collapse.