...On why I haven't blogged

It is the Festivus season and it is time for the Airing of Grievances.

Humanity. You have been a huge dissapointment to me.

Looks like I have to upgrade to heroin just to stay on the same planet with you chattering monkeys.

I hope you are happy.

..on Cults, Positives of

This nation needs cults.

Not the psychotic death cults that call themselves Christianity. Not the lentil-farming for The Great Leader cults that were so popular in the '70s and '80s.

I'm talking old school mystery cults. With hats and initiations and orgies.

Especially orgies.

What kind of empire collapses without orgies? I'm sure even the British shared an occasional peck on the cheek in the post-War period. Americans can do things bigger, faster and shinier than any people that have ever existed before. I don't want some historian of the future looking back at this period and seeing the cheap and tawdry decadence we have now. Girls Gone Wild and monster-truck rallies? We can and must do better than that.

We also need to think about the future. Cults have a proven track record of surviving during dark times and can transmit information and cultural mores across centuries. They can also be incredible agents for change when the time is right. The Royal Academy and Freemasons were instrumental in forming the critical mass of freethinkers needed to throw off the yoke of the Church and create the modern age. One day the present insanity will fade and on that day I want our cult-following descendants to unleash a centuries-old grudge on the descendants of the idiots who are torquing me up today.

Plus there is an enormous amount of money in cults. Right now there is a vast untapped market of angry agnostics who are looking for direction. They are too smart to fall for any of the existing offers, but they might bite on this one. We start off with an ironic sell. "We know it's bs, but wearing hats and chanting in Latin is fun. Plus we have orgies and drugs." Once they are hooked we start initiating them in the higher levels. We make up something about a secret brotherhood of Enlightened Masters (the usual suspects, Francis Bacon, Ben Franklin, David Hasselhoff) who have struggled for centuries against ignorance and stupidity. Plus we sell merchandise.

Finally if my fellow Americans are so scared of the future that they have to make up enemies (I mean gay-bashing? How lame is that?) let's give them a dramatic one. I'm thinking of something straight out of the '30s pulps with a name like The Invisible Empire. Once the cult is up and running it will move on to taking over the airwaves and broadcasting demands for surrender. Plus a lot of scientist kidnapping. It's to be expected of any dangerous conspiracy and I wouldn't want to disappoint the audience. In actuality we'll set them up in secret labs with good funding and no research restrictions so we can sell patents to the Europeans. But nobody has to know that.

The plan is to have fun (attracting more recruits), make money and terrify the rubes. They are going to be terrified anyway and by acting as a lightning rod the cult can take the heat off of whatever other minority would be targeted. In the end we either take over the planet or people figure out the whole thing is a joke and realize most of what they were taught was BS. Then maybe we can get back on track as a society.

...on Depression

Yes. I have suffered from it in the past. And I'm sure I will again.

The clinical shit. The kind that makes the sweet kiss of lead seem like a blessing.

Which is the only reason I don't own a gun. I'm not anti-gun. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I'm not a gun nut (who are in real life sad, pathetic fucks talking about grain loads and model numbers) by any stretch of the imagination. But it doesn't take a fucking genius to figure out the situations in which a gun would be handy.

In any event, I'm coming out of it now. Which makes it real. Not clinical. I've had clinical. There was no reason for it. Then, I just wanted to die and I knew. I knew there was no reason for me to want that.

This was different.

Pardon my rambling. I'm drunk.

New Orleans died. It died and while I watched and listened to people beg for help... the most powerful nation in the history of this planet ignored those pleas.

Maybe I'm not over it. I'm tearing up right now.

New Orleans is gone. It will be rebuilt, but it won't be the same.

That's enough for a nation to mourn. Enough for a world to mourn.

Sadly the number of people who give a shit can be counted on the fingers of one hand. By a guy who works in a kitchen. Surrounded by sharp, heavy cleavers.

I have given up on America. We turned our back on the torch. Fuck us.

Fuck us.

...on Japanese Horror

Saw Ju-Rei last night (Memento meets Ring, ripping off both) which now gives me enough data points to go into analysis mode.

Dealing with a Japanese Vengeful Spirit

Welcome to Japan. Enjoy our sweeping natural vistas, our friendly people and our blend of ancient tradition and modern culture. While visiting our country you may encounter a vengeful spirit. Should this happen please keep in mind that Japanese horror is quite different from Western horror. Understanding the following rules will help you fully appreciate the supernatural terror that will be visited upon you.

1) It's not your fault.

In Western horror you will not be killed unless you violate one of the rules of the genre. These include:
- Wandering off alone into a dark place.
- Scoffing at warnings of supernatural danger.
- Being a clueless, greedy authority figure.
- Having sex. (Note: This only applies to women.)
- Being black.

Japanese horror does not work that way. You will be killed no matter what you do. Maybe you entered the wrong house or saw the wrong videotape or answered the wrong phone call. You may never understand what you did to draw the curse upon yourself. Supernatural attacks are random and capricious.

Western horror is a test. If you demonstrate cleverness or moral purity you will pass the test and survive. Japanese horror is more like a natural disaster. It is immaterial what kind of person you are, if you are in the wrong place at the wrong time you will suffer a horrible death.

2) Nobody is safe.

Even if you violate the rules, you can still survive in Western horror as long as you are in a protected category. These include being a virginal woman, a child or a dog. This goes back to the "testing" nature of Western horror. Certain people, like children and virginal women, are considered Good and thus immune to the forces of Evil.

Japanese horror does not recognize this dichotomy. If you are targeted by a vengeful spirit, your moral resume will not save you. Children and virgins are considered fair game.

3) Your cell phone will not save you.

Cell phones have thrown Western supernatural monsters into a tizzy. Many of their best bits don't work when rescue is a phone call away. That is why Western horror often takes place in isolated locations like haunted houses, closed summer camps or ships at sea.

If you are being stalked by a Japanese vengeful spirit you may feel confident because you have a working cell phone. This is a mistaken belief. There is a recurring theme in Japanese pop culture that while technology is nifty, it can not be relied upon. If you attempt to use your cell phone during an attack it will not help you. Odds are the spirit will call you with messages like "Turn around." just before it eats you.

4) Do not attempt to band together against the threat.

In the West people under supernatural attack will band together to discuss the situation. They will share information, plot a plan of attack and then wander off into the darkness by themselves to get killed.

The Japanese people prefer to skip these steps and proceed directly to getting killed. It is considered shameful to tell others that you believe a ghost is stalking you. Under no circumstances should you contact authorities or experts of any kind. Please respect our customs while visiting.

5) Do not attempt to understand, escape, defend yourself from or destroy the spirit.

This is perhaps the most important rule. Japanese culture treats vengeful spirit attack with the same reverence due a natural disaster of epic proportions. Attempting to escape your fate will only make you look foolish and demonstrates a lack of respect for the natural order of things.

If strange things happen around you do not attempt to investigate them. You must act like everything is fine and lie about why your face is white with fear. When the final attack comes it is important to behave in an appropriate fashion. If you are male, you should stare in shock at the onrushing horror and wait for it to kill you. If you are female, you should hide under a blanket for a suitable length of time before peeking out and being killed.

6) It's right next to you.

Living space is at a premium in Japan and even the wealthiest Japanese citizens will have dwellings that are small by Western standards. This unfortunately does not allow the lengthy chase sequences so beloved by Western monsters. We apologize that you will be unable to run in heels and fall down a lot if you are attacked by a vengeful spirit.

Vengeful spirits will not allow you to escape before hunting you down. They will manifest within the room, making no noise until you notice their presence. At that point you will be killed.

We hope that these guidelines make your stay in Japan more enjoyable. While there are always exceptions, by keeping these rules in mind you will avoid embarrassing faux pas. Please enjoy your stay.

..on Ordering Pizza

"OK, we are kind of behind, so let's just order lunch. Pizza good?"
"Sure."
"What do you want?"
"Well I like Pizza Hut Supre...."
"YOU ARE HEREBY BANNED FROM ANY DISCUSSION INVOLVING PIZZA."

Not much of a quip. It would only be worth three seconds of laughter on a mediocre sitcom. Not very illuminating either since it was entirely instinctive. I'm East Coast and pizza is our religion.

What was illuminating is that this momentary jab was laughed over, analyzed and relived for most of the rest of the afternoon.

I need to find funnier coworkers.

...on Harry Potter And The Marginalized Community

"I got it yesterday after the wife finished it. I'm about 300 pages in."
"I had Amazon drop ship it to me with a guaranteed Saturday delivery."

IT of course is the latest Harry Potter book. Who had the book, when they got it and how much they read was a popular topic at lunch today. The actual merits of the book were not part of the conversation. This is something I've learned to expect. Our culture treats things, places and even people as checkboxes to be filled. It's not important what your experience was, just as long as you experienced it with the rest of your cohort.

"Read the first one. Saw a couple of films. It didn't grab me," I demurred when asked when I had acquired this latest fashion accessory.

"OH! But they are good!"

I heartily agreed with this. While they didn't do much for me I could tell Rowling had a lot going on.

Take the scene where Harry goes to buy his magical school supplies in the first book. We learn that magicians have their own currency. I forget what it is called or the complicated exchange rates between the various denominations. It doesn't really matter. Their currency is good only within their narrow community. They have no idea what a pound or a dollar or a euro is worth and they don't care. They live, work, buy, sell and trade only with their fellow magicians.

That makes them isolated, cut off from the rest of society. Rowling understood that.

Harry is an outsider. Through him we learn that wizards don't follow soccer, don't watch TV and don't know what common household items are for. They live in a magical ghetto. They are even proud of it, referring to outsiders as muggles and being obsessed with "blood purity".

It could be argued that this is a self-imposed exile. After all, what can the mundane world offer somebody who can blow up houses with a wave of a wand? This argument falls apart when Rowling reveals that the whole magical community lives under the jurisdiction of the UK's Ministry of Magical Affairs. This agency not only sets the ground rules, it has the power and authority to punish those who would transgress their most important law.

"Don't let regular people know about magic."

Now the pieces fall into place. The government, presumably for the protection of public order, has managed to isolate and contain an entire community of people. In a brilliant stroke the wizards think it is their own idea to remain hidden. This allows the powers that be to do whatever they want without wizardly interference or oversight.

Harry, being the only character who lives in both worlds, will probably overcome this separation. We know he has a destiny of some kind, both as the hero of his own series and from frequent mentions of prophecy. He'll have to overcome the prejudices of his own community and a government hit-team to do it, but that's what heroes are made of. After all, his parents were killed because they chose to live in a regular suburb instead of a magical castle. He has to follow in their footsteps. I'm not sure what the whole Voldemort deal was, but it wouldn't surprise me to find out he was an agent of the government taking out free thinkers like the Potters.

I could be wrong. My Potter knowledge is limited to one book, two movies and what I've picked up from evangelists. One would think that any errors I made would be corrected by people who went to extra lengths to get the latest book as soon as it was available.

"Dude, you think too much."

*sigh*

...on Neglecting To Write

Much to say, little enthusiasm to do so.

On Saturday I watched a murder take place before a cheering crowd. I'm not upset about the murder. I knew the dead guy was going off work soon and would be partying it up in no time.

I'm upset about the cheering. You see this took place at the local Renaissaince Fair. Cheering violence is to be expected, but not when it's the White Knight killing an unarmed and helpless Black Knight.

But just when I'm about to give up on this culture I notice that Karl Rove's name has entered common parlance. Maybe the U.S. is starting to shake free of the Shrub Cult?

Maybe, maybe not. As long as the White Knight is killing his fallen foes I know our culture needs serious work.